Laager, your stories remind of reading Skippy's list. THAT good.
For those who don't know of Specialist Skippy Schwartz, enjoy: http://skippyslist.com/list/
While I have never met the man personally, I CAN state that as of 1981, to my knowledge, most of the items on his list would be completely believable. Don't ask how I know- if I told you, I'd have to kill you
Holy Crap!! Spc Skippy Schwartz and I have a lot in common.....lol I think we associated with the same kind of soldiers. I'm glad to see some things remain the same, then again they never liked kicking anyone out, since they had a shortage of live bodies in the 70's.
Thanks for the website.
Here's a few from me.....
Tact is the ability to get along with others.....learn it, love it....live it...and that goes for everyone on your fireteam, squad and section.
Regardless of the fact that out of 15 men in your section 13 were told by a judge that they had to serve either six years in the state pen or four years in the military branch that would accept them you will not refer to your platoon as the Penal Platoon, or Penal Colony. In fact just stop using the word Penal altogether.
Please do not ID known or suspected CID officers while they are undercover....it is not appropriate to yell out at formation that someone is a CID nark. It does not matter if they really were CID agents, do not do it any more.
Fighting within your platoon, company, battalion is not allowed. If you want to fight call the First Sergeant. (Change order.....do not call the First Sergeant anymore if you want to fight, yes there is such a thing as Convalescence leave and yes we may have a new First Sergeant)
Knife fights to see who gets to strip and take photographs of their ass and other body parts in the Platoon Sergeants face while he his drunk is not allowed. Knife fights are not allowed for any reason other than in an active combat zone against the designated enemy. (No you can not designate who the enemy is, that is the job for higher)...No you will never get that high in the chain of command.
What in the name of all that is Holy is wrong with you people? Is there nothing sacred to you? Please return the chaplain's sacramental wine.
Repainting a training grenade green is not allowed, nor is throwing said training aid into a crowded hooch, bar, or dwelling, either military or civilian for that matter any training aide. Includes clicking the clacker (with the wires attached) on a M18A1 Claymore.
Assualting and robbing pogues on payday is not allowed. This includes throwing them into "Shit River" while assualting them or robbing them or just because they are pogues or any other reason.
Throwing C-rats to kids on the road is not allowed....(put one little shit in the hospital with a full can of peaches/mixed fruit)
Knocking VIPs into "the Pit" while on an obstacle course is not allowed by accident or on purpose. Neither is buttstroking allowed.
You are not allowed to talk to any reporters, foriegn or domestic includes Stars n Stripes reporters. In fact you are not allowed to talk to VIPs either.
Sending your new Sergeant out into an unmarked anti-personnel mine field for a picture to send home to his wife is not allowed, nor can you send anyone else in.
Please do not loose another officer during terrian training, we just got this one.
Locking the Roach in a Wall locker (with or without duct taping his privates) is not allowed. Throwing said locker with or without Roach in it out of the window
is not allowed.
Stealing or borrowing the Navy Base Commander's vehicle is not allowed nor can you borrow the Armor Battalion commander's M41 Walker Bulldog (for Amor familiarization or any other reason)
Not allowed to send support staff or support personnel in first, to clear a building or see if there are any enemy soldiers in the immediate area, even if it is an exercise.
When said E&E exercise is over, it is over then and there, not the next day when you wander in to the free zone. Yes we know that we said it would last four days, but it was over in two, didn't you guys hear the copters flying over and the loudspeakers telling you the exercise was over? No it was not Psyops.
You are not allowed to get "Ski" to fall on the Concertina wire or Barb Wire fencing for any reason.
You are not allowed to bet on the outcome of anything. Yes this is in direct response to the great monkey fight as well as to some of your other bets.
Please do not tell Japanese Naval Officers that the USS Missouri is right where they fucking left it the last time they flew in.
Not allowed to refer to Senior NCOs and Officers (pogues or not) as Sergeant Weebles. Also stop saying it to their faces and in written reports.
Yes I know that I told you that you had to write down in the duty log book everything that happens during your tour of duty. I meant of significant importance, when you fart, pick your nose and take a shit or how long it was or took is not significant. Two entries a night is not a duty log, stuff happens inbetween the time you assume the duty and are relieved. Military stuff, not personal stuff. No it is not significant or important to know how many times the phone rang before you answered it.
There have been complaints that someone taught a Jackass how to drink beer....which one of you Jackasses did it? No it does not matter if it is really a donkey.
Okay, I don't know which one of you morons taught that monkey to drink, but now he's got a freaking drinking problem. He's scaring the living shit out of the cooks. No you can not take him to AA meetings, and yes I am looking at you.
Jesus are you all retarded or something?
What the hell do you mean you all failed the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory), crap I knew you were all retards. What the hell do you mean I have to go to mental health to get Ski, grif and Dom out?
Sweet Jesus Mother of God.....how the hell did you get promoted?
Do not refer to your unit as being part of the Webelos or We Blows.
You and your men are to remain in uniform at all times while on duty. This means with your uniform on your body.....dog tags alone are not considered a full uniform, you must conform to the posted uniform of the day. You are not allowed to threaten or coerice the unit clerk into making a mistake on the daily uniform roster.....or any official document. No it is not the Commander's fault if he or the First Sergeant fails to catch the mistake before the orders are posted.
You are to remain fully clothed at all times.
You are not to wear your uniform while you shower.
You are not allowed to wear any clothes when you shower.
Are you doing this on purpose? How hard is this to understand? No clothes on in the shower, clothes on when you are out of the shower at all times.
No matter what you think or have been told the word F**k is not an action verb to be used around and especially directed at or towards senior NCOs, officers and visiting VIPs.
Using the Roach, any other person (military or civilian) as well as military property and civilian or local government property as a diversion in order to enter the base after curfew is not allowed.
Diversions that destroy U.S. Army or governmental property during a training exercise are not allowed.
Making an using Molotov cocktails or other improvised explosives is not allowed during training exercises or at any other time until further notice...in writing.
You are not Klingon Warriors and the Army is not the Vulcan High Command.
Duct taping OPFOR personnel together in sexually suggestive positions after capturing them is not allowed. Nor is telling them you are the The People's Freedom Army and you are here to strike a blow for freedom in any language or with any accent, while holding a knife to their throat. Make that any weapon.
The Company commander is not to be referred to as a Tribble.
While sleeping with females is allowed (while off duty), taking their underwear and tacking it to the Company Bulletin Board (in the day room or any other area) is not allowed. Nor is it allowed to be considered a throphy of any sort, no you can not cut their hair.
You are not allowed to Count coup so you can win prestige in battle, no I am sure the women will still fall all over you if you do not count coup. No you can not take throphies of any kind. Look how hard is this to understand, you are not Indians.....you are as white as I am.....who the hell are the Hekawi Indians and where is the tribe located?
You will tell whomever is the platoon pickpocket to stop, and please return all of the stuff. The Battalion commander wants his wallet back, especially the pictures of his wife. No it is not a survival trait, Yes Pickpocketing is a form of larceny and is against the UCMJ.
It seems that the Commander of Subic Bay Naval Base is missing his new office carpet. Please return it.
Buying a wife is not allowed. You got away with it once, don't do it again or else.
Refusing to speak English is not allowed. No you do not have Amnesia.
Just because you speak the language and the hookers like you, you will stop telling the hookers that the officers and Senior NCOs all have the clap or any other STD. Or have small dicks or can't get it up.
Drinking anything that will peel the paint off of a tank or any military vehicle is not allowed.
You will cooperate with medical personnel and follow their orders and you will not assualt them...period. No you can not request permission to assualt them. Just do not do it.
When in doubt call someone higher in your chain of command. Side note....no God is not considered to be in your chain of command, neither is the Devil, the local Shaman or anyone other than an active duty military member....make that U.S. or allied.
Fix bayonets and charge is not an acceptable solution to the pay clerk being late, the Mess Hall food or any number of minor things. Just stop fixing bayonets.
Banzai is now an off limits as is Huj, Huj, Hajrá!, Libertad o muerte!, Viva la Muerte!, Tora, Tora, Tora!, Hakkaa päälle!. No more battle cries....you are supposed to be American Soldiers. God help us.
Pulling your combat knife out and sharpening it while glaring at someone during a briefing or class is not acceptable behavior and will cease.
You are not allowed to carry a sword. Okay its a cutlass. The answer is still no. I don't give a rat's ass if it is an issue 1917 Navy Cutlass. You are not in the Navy. End of the story. Jesus Christ where do these people come from........Ohio....shut the hell up it was a rhetorical question. Whats a rhetorical question? Christ on a crutch.
Drinking from an Alcoholic drink bottle while in uniform is not allowed, this includes chugging a 5th of Jeam Beam that turns out to be tea...especially when running a live fire range of any type.
When running a live fire range you are not allowed to tell the students that if they turn around with a weapon in their hands that you will shoot their goat smelling ass dead on the spot. (you are also not allowed to tell them if they fumble/drop a live grenade that you will leave their goat smelling ass behind)
Yes we know the First Sergeant has a pet dog....no you can not have a pet goat or any other live animal or dead or in any state in between as a pet. No one wants to know what a goat's ass smells like. No one wants to know how you know either.
Darn Skippy or Aye, Aye, Sir is not the proper way to respond. You will respond with Yes sir" and "no sir". Please stop referring to females as a sir, they are ma'ams. No that is not short for mammaries.
You will not refer to Lieutenant Parmenter as "Wilton" as well as Lieutenant Parker as Ensign Parker. The Mess Hall sergeant will no longer be referred to as Fuji Kobiaji...yes we know he is Japanese and yes we know his name is hard to pronounce. Fuji for short will not be used either. Or any combination thereof.
You were never stationed at Fort Courage and you do not have orders to Fort Courage and you do not know anyone named Sgt. Morgan O'Rourke or Cpl. Randolph Agarn. Side note....stop referring to everyone in Field Artillery as Trooper Duffy. Also this includes Col. Robert E. Hogan, Col. Wilhelm Klink, Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz. Side note.....you are not allowed to refer to any TV shows in reference to your NCO's and Officers or the U.S. Military.
As you all know the Company Commander's office has been smelling like fecal matter. Yes, what is it? Fecal matter? It's a fancy word for shit. Okay, as I just said the CC's office has been smelling like fecal matter, we have just found out that someone has been shitting in a 5 gallon bucket and putting it above his office, in the ceiling. I don't want to know who the mystery shitter is, or why he is doing it, please stop.
Okay, as you all know the CC's office has been smelling like rotting fish. We have found some dead fish stuffed behind his filing cabinet drawers. For the love of God people, just stop.
I can honestly say that it was the best time of my young life and the worst time as well.