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PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 6:56 pm 
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I've written a zombie novel, called Death Sense, and I'm looking for feedback. The professional thing to do would be to get input before publishing, but I was way too excited to release the book for that.

Anyway, I'm looking for feedback now. If you want to read a zombie novel and tell me about all the stuff I got wrong, just go to a site called Smashwords. Here's the link to my book. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/7 ... starbright. Enter the coupon code, which is HX77V (not case-sensitive), prior to completing your checkout, and get the book for the promotional price of $0.00. That's right, it's free.

There are a maximum 50 books to claim, and the offer runs out just after Xmas 2017.

Just let me know what you think in this thread. Give it to me straight. I'm a big boy.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:48 am 
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You have one post, and 87 views without comments.
How about posting your first chapter as a teaser, so I can decide whether to sign up at smashwords to get your whole book free?
Thank you. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:53 am 
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Nature_Lover wrote:
You have one post, and 87 views without comments.
How about posting your first chapter as a teaser, so I can decide whether to sign up at smashwords to get your whole book free?
Thank you. :)


Good suggestion. We do enjoy zombie fiction here, and I imagine you'll get some takers, some of whom could probably provide you with some insightful feedback. But many of us are reluctant to sign up for yet another potential source of junk email unless we know its worth our while.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:20 am 
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ZombieWriter wrote:
Just let me know what you think in this thread. Give it to me straight. I'm a big boy.



Okay. A totally unknown person shows up here and wants me to sign up at a website that may sell my information and spam me with endless offers.

Hopefully you plan to stick around and be a contributor to ZS and not a drive-by salesman.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:07 pm 
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teotwaki wrote:
ZombieWriter wrote:
Just let me know what you think in this thread. Give it to me straight. I'm a big boy.



Okay. A totally unknown person shows up here and wants me to sign up at a website that may sell my information and spam me with endless offers.

Hopefully you plan to stick around and be a contributor to ZS and not a drive-by salesman.


Yup...

Followed the link but don't know that site... Stopped there. Will stick w/what's available on my Kindle for now.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:18 pm 
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Here is the first 20% of the book http://brettfitzpatrick.com/Downloads/death-sense_20pct_sample.epub No sign in required.
I'm a Brit and I have only been to California, where the book is set, for a week's holiday once in my life - so I'm also looking for people to tell me all the "American" things I got wrong- language, sayings, things like that.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:59 pm 
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ZombieWriter wrote:
Here is the first 20% of the book http://brettfitzpatrick.com/Downloads/death-sense_20pct_sample.epub No sign in required.
I'm a Brit and I have only been to California, where the book is set, for a week's holiday once in my life - so I'm also looking for people to tell me all the "American" things I got wrong- language, sayings, things like that.


Thank you.

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"....shotgun resting over one arm, broken open for safety, but with a cartridge in both barrels"

Why employ a double barrel shotgun and not a modern pump or semi-auto weapon? Why carry it around "open for safety"? Seems silly when many of them have a mechanical safety and when confronted with danger the extra time to swing the shotgun closed could be fatal.

safety looks like a slide switch in this photo
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 4:58 pm 
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“You stay out of sight,” Karen said, then went to a cutlery draw and found a sturdy knife. She handed it to Meera, “If he starts causing trouble, stab him with this.”

Karen reached into the tidily sorted draw once more for another knife, “I’ll take one as well,” she said.


I would change that to "drawer"

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:04 pm 
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I getting the feeling that only Spell Check was trusted to make corrections. Proof reading by a human is essential to avoid these sorts of distractions


Caleb backed away from the broken restraint window

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:06 pm 
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Okay, I am getting annoyed by the tomfoolery of Caleb snapping his shotgun together :roll:

Give the guy a pistol or something?

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 9:55 pm 
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Thanks!

Pretty well written with good flow...I like it so far. I've certainly paid for worse! Likeable characters and believeable dialogue/scenarios played out is a refreshing bonus.

Only finished two chapters, and I need to hit the hay...will pick it up where I left off mañana after work.

Errors I caught:

Prologue: "...individuals who have been affected...”. Should be effected. Or maybe infected?

Chapter 1: “...wearing a maroon bodywarmer." Huh? What's a body warmer? That like leg warmers, but for the body? I am a maniac (maniac) on the floor and all, but leg warmers are enough. :awesome:

Overall very nice... A bit heavy, on the comma usage, but, then again, that's how I tend to write too. I always have to go back and edit emails or papers at work for readability.

Thanks again for the sample; really enjoying it so far!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:19 pm 
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I'll take a look at the short version this weekend. Have 5 days off and dill be cruising up to the San Juan islands, will need shit to read. Look forward to a good read!

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:46 pm 
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91Eunozs wrote:
Chapter 1: “...wearing a maroon bodywarmer." Huh? What's a body warmer? That like leg warmers, but for the body?


Perhaps like 'jumper' is what we Yanks would call a 'sweater', this may be nothing more than the differences between the bastardized version Americans consider "English" and idiom from the original mother tongue.

My guess is 'bodywarmer' is a sweat shirt, aka hoodie.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 11:50 am 
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Thanks for the input. :D

I genuinely didn't know shotguns had a safety. When I have seen people using them (only on TV) they have always been broken open, but that has usually been on costume dramas. Is a shotgun safety a modern thing? Would only Victorian shotguns not have one?

Thanks for catching the typos too. I'm hunting through the text and fixing the ones people caught now. I'll upload a new version of the text to the book aggregator soon.

Edit: this is the 80s fashion crime called bodywarmer, at least in the UK: https://www.google.at/search?q=bodywarmer&client=firefox-b&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiAg9jr0c_VAhWhDMAKHfQkArMQsAQIJw&biw=1532&bih=728

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 1:38 pm 
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It's almost impossible for a writer to catch all their own typos; one's own mind "corrects" the errors when reading over them.

On this side of the pond we'd call that garment a down vest. The vest part being obvious I hope. The down referring to the traditional material used for insulation: down feathers from a goose or duck.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:04 pm 
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ZombieWriter wrote:
Thanks for the input. :D

I genuinely didn't know shotguns had a safety. When I have seen people using them (only on TV) they have always been broken open, but that has usually been on costume dramas. Is a shotgun safety a modern thing? Would only Victorian shotguns not have one?


Howdy,

I can't say much about Victorian shotguns but I am sure it can all be Googled. I would never rely on what 99% of the television shows tell you about guns. :mrgreen: It seems downright foolish in a P-A World to be carrying around a firearm in the least usable state of readiness (next to having no shotgun shells at all in the chambers!). With a finger off the trigger the operator is safe enough.

The armored vehicle scene mentions the rear entry as a door and depending which vehicle you are thinking of you can have a ramp or ramp/door combo.

Some APCs such as the Stryker have combinations with a door inserted into the ramp.

Image

Image

But other armored vehicles can have just ramps.
Image

Image

Lots of info on the web

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 11:12 pm 
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Making progress...

Chapter 3: “...but its fingernails left scratches in the metal.” those are some tough fingernails! Maybe left a mark...potentially gouge the wood, but yeah... if the thing is strong enough, and the nails are tough enough to scratch through metal without breaking first, we're screwed.

Chapter 4: “So what do you want to do?” Karen asked, ignoring Meera’s complaining. “Should we carry on through the night, or should we look for some kind of shelter somewhere?" Well written, but an American would be more apt to say "keep going though the night...". But I digress... Carry on!

Chapte 5: Armored vehicle has been covered, but not the dysentery issue. If the camp/base is as well provisioned as indicated, certainly someone can expand the septic system or at least build proper latrines. That, along with proper hand washing, etc. should mitigate that risk.

Chapter 7: No way an eight kW generator will power a hospital, I'd say 30-40 minimum. And it should have its own generator...along with fuel, spares, etc. Required by law...

“Their ammo was in big backpacks and it was heavy, so she sent both of them.” Can't imagine any scenario where ammo would be kept in any kind of backpack... always in ammo cans, especially big Army. And why in God's name would they use sidearms when they have access to carbines?

---

Overall a good read... little things like "quite a lot of xxx", etc. "sounds" a bit British vs. typical Cali-speak, but not too bad, and not distracting. I only caught it because I was reading in "edit" mode.

Towards the end there's mention of Caleb getting into a "practiced" shooting position...I recall there being a line about him having no experience with weapons...I could be misremembering though.

Regardless, the idea that he's carrying a break-action shotgun open is pretty ridiculous...especially in poor weather. I know it's a good "visual" to talk about loading and snapping the weapon closed, but that's not how anyone who thinks there may be even a remote chance of using the weapon would carry it. Just my $.02...

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:48 pm 
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majorhavoc wrote:
On this side of the pond we'd call that garment a down vest.


Thanks. I searched long and hard for the US equivalent term, but could not find it. :D

With the armored vehicle, an early draft of the book was set in the UK, and I was thinking about the Warrior http://tanknutdave.com/the-british-warrior-mcv/. I then changed the setting to the USA, but the vehicle seems to have kept its back door in at least one paragraph. I'll fix that.

Thanks for the feedback and constructive criticism. It's fascinating and will make the updated version better.

P.S. It looks like the broken open thing for shotguns is from gameshooting etiquette http://www.shootinguk.co.uk/shooting/shooting-etiquette/25-etiquette-tips-for-shooters-48859, so definitely not as important for post-apocalypse zombie hunting. Lol.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:37 pm 
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double barrel shotgun for (slow) zombie shooting


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 6:30 am 
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teotwaki wrote:
double barrel shotgun for (slow) zombie shooting


Beautiful video - thanks!
The ROF was terrifyingly slow, and it looked to me on my monitor like he had to go right up to them for a head shot. Perfect scenario for horror fiction.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 12:09 pm 
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The only thing technically that I noticed was the garage door opener working when power is supposed to be off.
I know I'm influenced by my own survival mindset and my affinity for weapons, but I find the ladies aversion to firearms to be contrary to apocalyptic survival . I.e. Those who would not be willing to utilize any method to survive won't . Like wise Calebs abandonment of the farmstead without going back to retrieve weapons/ supplies after the looters were killed by the zombie family. Overall though I enjoyed reading it. :clap:

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:10 pm 
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flybynight wrote:
Overall though I enjoyed reading it. :clap:


Thanks :D

I'm working on updating the text of the book, all the feedback here is great. Thanks for catching the garage door opener.
Don't worry, the ladies and Caleb's attitudes are transformed by the end of the book. They all toughen up and start to do what it takes to survive.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:12 pm 
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ZombieWriter wrote:
Beautiful video - thanks!
The ROF was terrifyingly slow, and it looked to me on my monitor like he had to go right up to them for a head shot. Perfect scenario for horror fiction.



That would be the horror fiction where the guy is so slow to fire that the zombies bite off his sensitive parts?

...or this kind of zombie head shot? :mrgreen:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 3:20 pm 
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teotwaki wrote:
That would be the horror fiction where the guy is so slow to fire that the zombies bite off his sensitive parts?

...or this kind of zombie head shot?


Erm... the latter. :D

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