Name: The Muffinman
My clothes: I wear the Elvis jumpsuit and glasses from Bubba Hotep, except its made of that material from Homer Simpsons "Colonel Homer" suit that is actually cleaned by sweat. It has also been treated with some super secret James Bond spray on stuff that makes it bite/scratch proof, makes its wearer irresistible to the opposite sex, and changes color depending on the wearers mood.
For added protection, and for pure fashions sake, I wear a neon pink way over-sized codpiece similar to this one.
Sidekick #1 is a semi-deranged guy who believes he is the clown from IT, he claims not to have a name so I call him Snuggles.
Sidekick #2 is the lovely Charlize Theron. Unfortunately in the initial panic she suffered a minor head injury. Now she thinks she is Harley Quinn from Batman: The Animated Series and thinks I am her loving "puddin" The Joker. She can't be dissuaded from this delusion so I go along with her. Somehow she acquired Harleys gymnastic fighting ability, great skill with weapons, and her love of wearing sexy outfits to cheer, and sex, her "puddin" up. I call her Harl.
Vehicles: I drive the Batmobile(the car is actually as armored/super well equipped as in the movie, and not just a prop)from the Michael Keaton/Nicholson movie. Complete with twin 30-cal belt feds that never run dry and the jet engine has been modified so the front intake acts like a zombie garbage disposal. The jet exhaust has three speed settings: Fast, Ridiculous, and Ludicrous. The jet can also kick a mean afterburner that fries every zombie behind it for 200' into a fine flaky substance that may be good on toast. Every gas station we stop at has plenty of jet fuel on hand and I get 500 MPG. Harl is my co-pilot and runs the weapons.
Snuggles drives that evil Gargoyle head truck from Maximum Overdrive, that carries all our supplies. The gargoyle head has been heavily reinforced so that now it is stronger than any state road crew snow plow blade.
I carry twin Beretta 93R's in a shoulder holster. I have a pouch on my left hip for my 2 spare mags. I only change them when I want to drop some snappy one-liner about how much I love killing zombies. I carry that kick ass machete from Predator slung over my back and use it for my close in work.
Harl is very fond of those big carnival mallets, you know the kind you have to ding the bell with. She carries one slung over her shoulder on a rainbow striped sling. The mallet is pink and covered in Hello Kitty Decals. Her battle cry as she wades into the zombie hordes is "Fear the wrath of my mighty p@#&y!"
Snuggles likes to carry a big Santa bag full of those super noisy battery powered toys that they always have on that table near the entrance to the toy store. Each of his toys has what he calls a "candy suprise" inside, which is actually 4 ounces of C-4 and a mercury switch that he has rigged to only explode when shaken/ripped apart by a very pissed/confused zombie. He likes to set the little things going near a herd of zombies and enjoy the ensuing hilarity. He also has a super soaker filled with some chemical we found a bunch of that after a few minutes exposure to air becomes VERY flammable. So flammable that if a zombie bumps into anything it becomes a miniature FAE warhead. Snuggles keeps twin 22" long folding straight razors in sheaths hidden under his puffy sleeves. He wields them like machetes. Snuggles is fun at parties.
My catchphrase: Have you any muffins for me to stuffin?
Really sketchy plot:
We travel across the barren zombie infested wasteland each in search of our own favorite items. I LOVE lemon poppy seed and blueberry muffins and scour every grocery store and bakery for them. Harl collects snow globes that depict desert Christmas scenes, and any sexy outfits she thinks I might like. Snuggles collects the heads off of Barbie dolls and hangs them by their hair from the headliner of his truck like some bizarre serial killer low rider fringe.
We also collect food, weapons, ammo, explosives, medical supplies, tools, inflatable sheep, wax fruit, and anything else we think might be useful or good for trade. We roll into survivor encampments and barter our plethora of goods for our desired items, namely: muffins, snow globes, lingerie, and barbie heads. For some reason the survivors seem to have mixed emotions about seeing us driving up.
Listening to the CB while driving one day I heard a very scared voice ask another person, "Have you seen the muffin man?"
Edited a couple of times for uber-coolness.