My Job, My Hell...

[Laager]

An Army story.......

We (six of us) were just getting back from a long and somewhat Arduous trip out in the jungle, one in which all six of us went out and all six of us came back. Love those Air Cav guys, beats the heck out of walking back in....

So as I start to head into my hooch who should be waiting for me but the Command Sergeant Major's pogue......not just the Battalion CSM, but oh no the Brigade CSM's pogue at that.

Seems that the CSM would like to see me ASAP, as in right now.

Me: Hmmmm, any chance I can change? I've been out in the field for almost ten days....

Seems not, in fact it would have been nice if I would have fast roped or jumped out of the Huey on the way past the Brigade HQ.

Me: Okay.....on my way.......

All the way there I was thinking......now what have I been up to or involved in that might get the Brigade CSM all bent out of shape? Nothing immediately comes to mind, other than the usual total lack of respect for certain dumbassed Junior NCOs, Senior NCOs as well as assorted Junior and Senior Officers....nothing new there.

Before entering the Brigade HQ I took a minute to try and clean off my uniform...fat chance of that happening. Even the dirt and crud had dirt and crud piled on top of even more dirt and crud.......it had been a long patrol and I was tired, filthy and just plain run the heck down. However, I may be insane, but I am not by any shape or form or means stupid. The Brigade CSM was not someone you ever wanted to mess with....ever.....not ever......in fact I was fairly sure that people that did, were not around for very long.

So in I go....up to his door (which was open), do the customary three loud, firm knocks on the door frame and wait. He looks up, then looks back down for a minute or so then says come in.

I make my way straight in towards the front of his desk. Funny thing is there is only one desk and one chair in the entire room. Bet you can guess who gets to sit down in his office and who does not. Reach the proper space from his desk and snap to, render the custumary.....PFC reporting as directed.....

Again he just glances up, then back down. Waits a few minutes, then looks up and says...."at ease"....then goes back to looking back at the 201 file on his desk.

So he looks up and says......so PFC are you an orphan?

Me: Orphan? No Sergeant Major, I am not an orphan.

CSM: Hmmmmmm, then he looks back down for a minute or so and then says do you have any brothers and sisters?

Me: Yes, SM, I have some brothers and sisters.

CSM: Hmmmmm, as he looks back down again for another minute or two. PFC do you know how to read and write?

Me: Yes, Sergeant Major.

CSM: Yes, what?

Me: Yes, SM, I know how to read an write.

CSM: Hmmmmm, again he looks back down at the 201 file on his desk.

Now he has moved his arms a bit and I can see my name on it. Crap, this is not good, 201 files as a general rule do not leave the personnel office......

CSM: Do you know how to operate a telephone?

Me: Yes, SM I know how to operate a telephone.

CSM: Hmmmmmm, again with the glance down at the 201 file. Then he says how long have you been in country?

Me: SM, I have been in country for 20 months (but I'm thinking why are you asking me this shit, it should be in my 201 file, can't you farking read).

CSM: 20 months, so you are on your second tour?

Me: Yes, SM. I am on my second tour.

CSM: How much leave do you have accumulated?

Me: SM, I have almost 60 days of leave on the books.

CSM: So you have not taken any leave since you joined my Army?

Me: SM, I have taken a day or two of leave since I joined the Army.

CSM: Do you by any chance happen to know who Chief Master Sergeant R.E. Priest is?

Me: Chief Master Sergeant R.E. Priest?

CSM: Yes, CMS Priest....do you know him by any chance?

Me: Yes, SM.....CMS Priest would be my father.

CSM: Can you tell me why CMS Priest would go to all the trouble to call me from the states to find out if one PFC Priest is till alive and well?

Me: No SM, I have no idea.

CSM: Well I do, it seems that you have not been seen or heard from since you left for basic training, which would be about 2 years ago or so, give or take a a month or so. Your parents are wondering or were wondering if you were still alive, well, in the Army or what your current status is.

Me: SM, I have not talked to them since CMS Priest took me to the recruiter's office. (as in the day after I graduated from HS, I was woke up by my father, who asked me if I was going to go to college. My response was no. His response was get up, your mother has cooked breakfast and it is on the table waiting for you, and we have a surprise for you. Me: WTF....mother knows how to cook?......and a present....its a Christmas miracle for sure....wtf I though breakfast came out of a Post ceral box or a Quaker Oatmeal tube....lots of secrets in this family...who knew she knew how to cook breakfast...the other surprise was a little brown bag, with a zipper down the middle and a loop on one end, inside was a new toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, shampoo, razor and blades, shaving cream and deodorant and a ride to the recuriting office that was open that day - a shaving kit! - Hmmmm, Dad I don't even shave (16 and two weeks away from 17) his repsonse was you will where you are going.

CSM: Let me put it to you this way, I do not want to ever get another phone call from CMS Priest. I would suggest that you beg, borrow or steal the appropriate writing materials, if you do not already have some and post a letter home immediately. I do not expect to ever see you in my office again, and I do not expect to ever get another phone call from CMS Priest. Any questions?

Me: Will a post card be okay.

CSM: Get the hell out of my office, I have work to do.

So I rendered the proper salute and left his office, made my way over to the hooch, cleaned my weapons and gear, hit the shower (with a semi cold beer), then sent a post card home....or at least to the last Air Force base housing address I had.

My post card home:

Dear Dad and Mom,

Just a quick note to let you know that I am currently still alive and well, or as well as can be. Please do not call anyone else in my chain of command ever again.

Love,
Bish

Sometime later on the response - on a post card:

Bish,

We are all glad to hear that you are still alive and well and apparently not currently in the stockade. I won't call again, if you will drop your Mother a letter or card every once in awhile.

Love,
Dad

[Laager]

Laager, if you wrote a book, it would sell!

Appreciate the thought, it has been one heck of a fun ride....well most of the time.....Junior says the same thing.......oh and her given name is not Junior.......Lil started calling her Junior and it stuck.....and she is not named after Lil either.

You have to love the name curse that my parents put on me.......then add in Lil and it gets funny.

[ghost792]

Laager, if you wrote a book, it would sell!

Appreciate the thought, it has been one heck of a fun ride....well most of the time.....Junior says the same thing.......oh and her given name is not Junior.......Lil started calling her Junior and it stuck.....and she is not named after Lil either.

You have to love the name curse that my parents put on me.......then add in Lil and it gets funny.

Half of the reason I log in to ZS everyday is to read the latest edition of "Tales with Laager." I would absolutely buy your book.

[KnightoftheRoc]

Laager, if you wrote a book, it would sell!

Appreciate the thought, it has been one heck of a fun ride....well most of the time.....Junior says the same thing.......oh and her given name is not Junior.......Lil started calling her Junior and it stuck.....and she is not named after Lil either.

You have to love the name curse that my parents put on me.......then add in Lil and it gets funny.

Half of the reason I log in to ZS everyday is to read the latest edition of "Tales with Laager." I would absolutely buy your book.

A lot of the stories in this thread, OK- mostly Laager's, remind me of the books about Cap'n Fatso, who was actually a Chief Petty Officer, not a Captain. My dad had gotten them in paperback when I was a kid, and sadly, I don't know whatever happened to them- I can't afford them today- out of print and apparently quite collectible.
Here's the list: http://www.amazon.com/Daniel-V.-Gallery ... 067&sr=1-9

And yeah, I'd buy that book in a heartbeat.

[Laager]

Laager, if you wrote a book, it would sell!

Appreciate the thought, it has been one heck of a fun ride....well most of the time.....Junior says the same thing.......oh and her given name is not Junior.......Lil started calling her Junior and it stuck.....and she is not named after Lil either.

You have to love the name curse that my parents put on me.......then add in Lil and it gets funny.

Half of the reason I log in to ZS everyday is to read the latest edition of "Tales with Laager." I would absolutely buy your book.

That's also one of the reasons that I log on to ZS, except I like to read the other people's stories.....lol.

[Viper shtf]

I'd buy it too.

[Laager]

Lil: Your phone is ringing again.

Me: I know.

Lil: Well answer it.

Me: I don't recognize the number.

Lil: Just answer the darn thing, other wise the moron is just going to keep calling.

Me: Hello?

Dean: Well its about freaking time.....I must have called you six damn times.

Me: Lil....you're right it is a moron.

Dean: Moron? Whose a moron?

Me: You...dumbass, you know I don't usually answer the phone if I don't recognize the caller.

Dean: I figured Lil would make you........so whose the moron now?

Me: So to what do I owe the pleasure of this phone call on what was once a fine and promising Saturday?

Dean: Hey you know they are fixing to demolish my old building out at the base.

Me: Yep, you've only told me about a million times.....you're not crying again are you?

Dean: I told you something got in my eye.........anyway are you busy?

Me: Nope, just sitting scratching myself, why what's up?

Dean: Well I got permission from the contractor to take some stuff.....

Me: Stuff? What kind of stuff?

Dean: Anything I want.....they are going to bulldoze the whole place....so I'm looking for some keepsakes...

Me: Keepsakes? Keepsakes? What the hell are you talking about keepsakes.....sheeezzzz man, grow a pair.......

Dean: What the hell is wrong with saying keepsakes? What the hell do you call them?

Me: Anything but keepsakes.......Lil and Junior say keepsakes.....how about souvenir or token?

Dean: Keepsakes, souvenir, token its all the same, so are you coming or not?

Me: I'm up for it, when?

Dean: I'm turning onto your road now, get your broke ass outside.

We spent the entire morning loading up his keepsakes.........

Me: Dean......since when is concertina wire and T-barriers considered to be keepsakes?

Dean: Since today..........now shut the hell up and help me get this on the forks........

[Samurai Penguin]

Laager, if you wrote a book, it would sell!

Agreed. You should totally get with the book-writing.

[Laager]

I would like to point out that Dean told me I could have anything I wanted, then he told me no and promised to buy me a burger from our favorite burger joint in town.

Dean: What are you looking at?

Me: Oh nothing just looking around........

Dean: Bullshit, I know that fucking look.....you have your eye on something.......spill it......

Me: That.....I want that.......

Dean: Oh fuck no....that is not up for grabs. No fucking way.....its being moved on Monday.

Me: Really? Where to?

Dean: Not sure, but the contractor is moving it on Monday........

Me: Oh, so you already asked about it?

Dean: Sure did, I'm the one that parked it there.....

Me: Does it still run?

Dean: Well, we drained the fluids and pulled the batteries, so I imagine if you topped her off and put in some new batteries it would fire right up, of course you would need new tires and I'm sure the seals and lines are bad as well.

Me: So do you think we can find 16 tires for it?

Dean: No......I doubt the Security Police would like to see it roll out the gate. Besides what in the hell are you going to do with it?

Me: Just about anything I want........

So no BTR-60P for me..............maybe next time..........although I did get a Tiger burger and fries...........

[MasterMaker]

The russians always had the coolest post paw looking vehicle's...

[Laager]

The russians always had the coolest post paw looking vehicle's...

Quality is an issue or used to be on their vehicles, but they do have a nice look to them......but only really work well if you are short.......we went to a Soviet Armor class to learn how to shoot, move and communicate with soivet armor and light vehicles. I could not stand up straight in the Tanks without the top of my head sticking out of the hatch.

My friend Rick, who was in the U.S. Navy as a Supply guy (lives part of the year in Olongapo City PI and some here in the states) left Subic Bay with a Navy PBR and a military deuce and a half when they shut the base down.

[Laager]

U-Tapao Royal Thai Navy Airfield on R&R...we were staying at what the U.S. Air Force Calls TLF or Temporary Lodging Facility on base, we had a four man room, but since we were no longer 100% manned I ended up with the short straw (the extra man), actually it was my impression that the Sergeant First Class (E-7 or Platoon Sergeant) was miffed at me for one reason or another and so he assigned the extra guy (who was a FNG to boot) to my room.

No big deal, other than the fact that this guy was a FNG and a hard core religious type individual. So basically he pretty much sat in the TLF or went to the Post Chapel and then complained about our heathen ways, in fact if I remember correctly he used to run around saying "Thus saith the Lord, learn not the way of the Heathen,"

To which I would smile and say Jeremiah 10:2-4.

Then I'd go out and hit the local bar. Nothing to excess though............as I would point out "Avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine"

So anyway there was Fitz and Poindexter (hey what can I say he reminded us of that kid from the cartoon) and myself in this room. We thought we were really lucky, because they had a small latrine in there as well.

Everyday was pretty much the same....Fitz and I would hit the gate running as soon as humanly possible, Poindexter would do whatever it is that he did and then during formations he would complain about us drinking and cavorting and fornicating with prostitutes. So Fitz started bringing his back to the room and then started letting them spend the night.

Poindexter started to have a nervous breakdown, no one would listen to him.....it seems that the platoon was filled with deviants, heathens, idolizers and other assorted demons.......possibly even pagans.....then again no one really cared except for him.

I guess we had been there for almost 10 days and Poindexter kept getting worse, guess he never saw a naked woman before...........I thought he was going to have a stroke right on the spot.......especially when she asked him if he wanted to join her in the shower. I spit my beer all over the place.

Odd though, he was married........

He ranted and raved all night, going from our room over to the senior NCO quarters and back ranting and raving, waving his bible and generally making a mess of his quotes.

I guess the final straw was when he got up the next morning and well it went something like this:

P: Why is my toothbrush wet?

Me: How the hell should I know......I'm still waiting for you to get your nasty ass out of the way so I can get cleaned up.

Fitz: I don't have a single idea.......

P: You are all going to Hell!

Me: Been there, done that and have a reserved seat on the bird back......in fact I'll be sitting right next to you.

P: Glares at us, then takes his toothpaste looks at it and then again looks at his toothbrush (gives it a look and then looks over at us) and then runs a line of toothpaste onto the toothbrush and starts to brush his teeth.

Bar Girl: Hey, I know why your toothbrush is wet.......

P: Not sure what he said, but I am pretty sure he called her either a Whore of Babylon or The Whore of Babylon.........

BG: I've been using that toothbrush to brush my teeth............

P: Started screaming.....

BG: At least three times a day........dental health is very important.........

[skelco]

they just keep getting better... more please!

[Laager]

I would like to point out that the female in question had been using Poindexter's toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, razor and other personal toiletry items for about 8 days or so......

SFC: Why do you two keep doing shit like this?

Me: Sergeant, I had absolutely nothing to do with this........although I certainly am glad that it was not my personal shit she was using.......I know where her mouth has been for at least the last few weeks and let's just say its not where I want to go.

Fitz: Sergeant, we did not ask for Poindexter to be assigned to our room, in fact if I remember correctly we asked for the Roach.

Me: So that makes it your fault................

SFC: Just shut the fuck up and get out of my face.

Fitz: Can we get our passes now?

SFC: Out! Out! Get the fuck OUT!!!!

Me: Guess not.........

For some odd reason Poindexter just started screaming louder when he found out that she had been using all of his personal toiletries....since he would not need them (they took him away..as in "They're coming to take me away Ha Ha They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time.") we gave them to the girl....she seemed very happy.

We never did see him again, on the up side our Playboys and other assorted nudie mags were not longer thrown away by him.....on the down side I will admit to enjoying those little religious booklets (you know the ones I'm talking about) were no longer available for me to read, oh and we were now one more man down, and the Platoon Sergeant was developing a nervous tick......but only when he was around us.

I did ask the medics about him later on and they said he never did stop screaming....although once they shot him in the ass with some thorazine he calmed down a lot.....but was moaning a lot.

[Barr]

Uncle Laager delivers yet again.

[That German Guy]

those little religious booklets (you know the ones I'm talking about)

Chick tracts?

Every single person I know who has seen these, independent of their religion(spectrum runs from hardcore atheism to near-fundie forms of christianity, Islam, and interestingly enough, the germanic religion) finds those to be a mix between plain hilarious and pathetic.

Personally, I find them to be a form of inadvertent comedy.

[Laager]

those little religious booklets (you know the ones I'm talking about)

Chick tracts?

Every single person I know who has seen these, independent of their religion(spectrum runs from hardcore atheism to near-fundie forms of christianity, Islam, and interestingly enough, the germanic religion) finds those to be a mix between plain hilarious and pathetic.

Personally, I find them to be a form of inadvertent comedy.

Yes those are the ones..........what can I say.......other than I like to read them......I still do.

Poindexter used to leave them in the most interesting places.....of course most of the guys did not appreciate them or the fact that any nudie mags that were left out ended up in the trash.

[Krustofski]

or the fact that any nudie mags that were left out ended up in the trash.

Well that's your own fucking fault. Everybody knows not to leave nudie mags out, lest they disappear for a few minutes and come back with sticky pages.

[MasterMaker]

Poindexter started to have a nervous breakdown, no one would listen to him.....it seems that the platoon was filled with deviants, heathens, idolizers and other assorted demons.......possibly even pagans.....then again no one really cared except for him.

My kind of people, I knew I was right about liking you

[Laager]

or the fact that any nudie mags that were left out ended up in the trash.

Well that's your own fucking fault. Everybody knows not to leave nudie mags out, lest they disappear for a few minutes and come back with sticky pages.

They never came back at all......he would throw them away.......

However that leads to this story....................


Naval Support Facility Diego Garcia also known as the British Indian Ocean Territory (BIOT) of Diego Garcia, for some odd reason the Army wanted to preposition some assorted ammo on the far side of the island, so instead of letting the U.S. Navy (who shipped it in by the way) they decided that since it was for people like us to use, then it only made sense to send us there to move it from the port to the ASA (Ammunition Storage Area) and of course do an inventory of the stuff as well.

Now maybe its just me (or not) but that certainly sounds like a job for supply at the very least or possibly the US Army Materiel Development and Readiness Command personnel, not a bunch of 11Bs, but then again I am not in charge of anything.....so away we go off to Diego Garcia for 90 days.

Now I don't know what it is like now, but back in the mid 70's it was a rat and land crab infested shithole.......the Enlisted club served meals with plastic knives and forks with paper plates.....to many drunken fights......shortly after we arrived it was discovered that certainly Army individuals would make shivs out of the plastic knives, forks and spoons and were more than willing to use them. The barracks latrines did not have stall doors on the shitters.

Basically this island in the middle of the Indian Ocean had no phone service, mail service took months and they were showing I dream of Jeanie and other popular 1950/60's TV shows (in black and white) on the TVs in the dorms........oh and there was plenty of beer and booze, and no females.

Funny thing was the custom inspectors confiscated all of our skin mags and other offensive items (for their own benefit), yet we could buy 3 month old skin mags at what passed for a Naval Exchange, but was really just a military 7-11 or shoppette.

Now I really enjoyed the duty there, plenty of down time, which we spent on the beach and plenty of beer as well as lots of food......the Navy let you eat as much as you wanted as long as you cleaned your plate and you could even have more than one meat dish......so for example you could have ham, bacon and sausage on your plate at the same time and even have a meat filled omelete. The Army on the other hand would let you have one meat dish and no seconds......and usually the meat was of a type so far unknown to humankind.

About the 60 day mark a couple of us decided to hit the beach, we were released early at around noon or so, anyway we hit the barracks, sent runners to the Class Six store (place where they sell booze on a military base) and then met up and headed straight through the "Cocos bon Dieu" forest/Jungle dodging the huge assed coconut crabs (they use their large claw to cut coconuts in pieces) as we left the trail and cut across country.....





Imagine our surprise when we come up on a small clearing about 150 feet behind the barracks and found our platoon sergeant with his trunks down around his ankles and an open skin mag on the ground in front of him.

So we all come to an abrupt stop....even the platoon sergeant who looked up and asked us if we needed anything.......

Fitz: Uhhhhhhh....no sergeant, I'm pretty sure that we are good to go at this station.

Me: Nope, looks like you have everying well in hand.

Roach: I'm good to go......my eyes! My eyes!!! Where the hell is poindexter when you need him........??

Ski: So that's where all the fucking Jergens lotion has been going...............

PS: Then carry the fuck on............

Synder: Well if you're going to be that way about it.............we can just head back to talk to the platoon leader (Officer supposedly in charge of the platoon)

Me: Isn't this considered to be some type of misuse of government property?

Fitz: Well I for one hope the hell you plan on cleaning all this shit up.....people walk through here you know.....

We all started laughing and turned to leave when we hear him yell....loud and proud.....

PS: Hey a man's got to do what a man's got to do!!!

So until he PCS'd to another unit our usual response to a directive now became........

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.............hopefully with a female.


Later on after a few beers, Fitz and Roach lean over after talking about catching the platoon sergeant and ask me......

Deke, what do you think about that shit? Would you do something like that?

Me: Nothing for me to think about........doing dumbass shit can sometimes bite you in the ass and if he doesn't think this shit will get out then he is dumber that I thought.......as for doing something like that......Hell no.....with the way my farking luck runs, one of them farking crabs would come up and either bite me on the ass or bite my gun right off........or worse one of you jackasses would have their farking camera......

Oh Shit!! Where the farking hell is Roach?

[Lord Pheonix]

I have never met you Laager, nor do I believe I will ever have the pleasure of seeing you face to face: but I love you.

[Laager]

I have never met you Laager, nor do I believe I will ever have the pleasure of seeing you face to face: but I love you.

I do tend to have an interesting/good time......for the most part.....

Dean and I went up into the mountains (above town) for the weekend and then when we returned to town/home Lil sent us to Walmart for some more steaks, it seems she invited some additional people (other than family) over for the cookout. If I would have know that, I would have figured out a way to stay up on the plateau for another day.

Hard choice for Lil........send us out of a mission to purchase steaks or leave us to stare at the company she invited to the cookout......people she knows that we do not like. She opted for sending us after steaks.

As Dean and I go to enter the side entrance I notice a group or gaggle of rather large females coming up behind us, so I hold the door open and step to the side to give them some room to enter the door/store.

One of them says............Hey are you starring at her ass?

I look over at Dean, who is looking over at me......I know I wasn't and Dean swears it wasn't him. Heck we were both still wearing our Wiley X sunglasses and I could not see Dean's eyes so I am pretty sure that they could not see our eyes either. But I can tell he has that WTF look on his face, and I'm pretty sure the same look was on my face as well.

Me: No Ma'am!

Dean: Absolutely not!

One of her friends: Well why not? Is there something wrong with her ass?

Time to attempt a tactical withdrawal............this was not a situation that could be won, at least imho.

Dean: Deke......don't do it......

Me: Ladies, its been a pleasure, a real pleasure but well we have a few steaks to pick up and as much as we would like to, we just can't be dallying with you. Please accept my sincere regrets and I hope you all have a fantastic day.

I nodded to Dean and away we went.....Dean looks over and says dally? What the hell does that mean?

Me: You really need to get out more often.....dally, we it could mean one of two things, either to act or move slowly, or to a casual romantic or sexual liaison with someone.......

Dean: Deke there is someting seriously wrong with you.......where the hell do you come up with this shit?.......dally......really...dally.....I mean come the fuck on.....do you think they even knew what dally meant?

Me: Not likely..shit man even you didn't...........and you won the spelling bee back in fifth grade......public school system baby......

Dean started making odd noises......

For a moment there I thought he had started crying..(he's a bit sensitive)..but then I realized he was laughing and I could not help it and joined in.......

Evidently they went and rounded up some of those electric carts and would glare at us as we went from the food section of the store to the gun section for some X39, and we would start laughing everytime those poor electric carts wheezed on by. It did not hel that they would glare at us as the carts wheezed on by.......

Me: Dean, what do you think the max battery life is on something like that?

Dean: Shut it.....just shut it, you're going to get us in trouble.

Me: What? I was just wondering..........



Once we returned home, we (guilt by association) managed to last almost a hour at the cookout before Lil sent us inside..........

It seems to me that when someone says/brags that they are on a diet and some hot shit diet program that would indicate (at least to me) that they not fill up their plate with food and then hit the table again for seconds and pile it all on again.

I guess I should not have said he was obviously on a see food diet.....apparetnly I am offensive, however in my defense I feel that they keep coming over for free food and drinks, so I must not be that offensive (note to self: work harder on being offensive), however I do get sent to my room a lot.



Maybe I'll tell you what happens when people make me do things that I really, really do not want to do...............I was asked not to attend anymore Company/Battalion/Brigade Christmas parties.....in fact it was strongly recommended.........

[Viper shtf]

Come on guys, Laager is the only one keeping this thread going. (No, I don't have any interesting stories to post. I would if I did.)

[TheLastRifleMan]

I might have some more post in the ring binder of manuscripts from ol' Unca RifleMan's Tales of the Overworked and Underpaid Repair Tech.